12 Doors of Christmas: Door #8

Door #8: Lake House (Kitchen)

KABLOO: ... so this cretin--ha ha--he thinks, "How can I cut my own head off and put this thing on the stump?" Well--hee hee-- he decides to summon a bunch of carnivorous apes, and he just gives the apes his scimitar, and tells them--HA HA HO!-- he tells the apes to CUT HIS HEAD OFF!
JAMPA: Oh no! Did dumb druid get magical powers?
KABLOO: No, that's the point, it-- HEE HEE HEE-- it was JUST SOME POOR SLOB'S SEVERED HEAD! IT WASN'T MAGICAL AT ALL! HO HO HAA HA HA! (gasp) So now there's this decapitated body and TWO HEADS on the ground--HAAA HA-- hee hee-- AND THESE CONFUSED-LOOKING APES JUST STANDING AROUND WITH A SCIMITAR-- HA HA HA HA!
JAMPA: Jampa doesn't understand why little snow man is laughing. This is serious! Flesh-eating gorillas are about to get super lich powers! Jampa is very concerned.
KABLOO: Bah, nevermind. -- heh heh-- Yeti just don't have a taste for decapitation jokes like goblins do. It's your loss.

JAMPA: Hi, little elf. Jampa is decorating the tree like a goblin!
TODDY: Oh, really? A bugbear kicked you in your bulbous head and ordered you to decorate it? I must have missed that. I was just inside getting today's present.
JAMPA: Present?! Jampa was too busy staring at shiny ornaments to notice the door glowing. Maybe Jampa is turning into a goblin....
KABLOO: Well? What did we get today?
TODDY: About that... I don't think "we" got anything today. I found it myself, inside, while you two were busy having a holly-jolly jerk-off out here.

KABLOO: Bah! You didn't need any help, that's why you didn't call us! You just found that present in the kitchen. Had a lot of trouble in there, did you, elf?
TODDY: Uh... it wasn't too bad, but I still had to be careful.
KABLOO: Of what? Trapped cookie jars? Or was that cat clock with the pendulum tail looking at you funny?
TODDY: There could have been a mimic in there... or one of those ice pops in the ice box... or a... crazy susan!
KABLOO: Gyah, that is a LAZY SUSAN in the kitchen! We put PIE on it this morning! There is no such monster as a CRAZY SUSAN!
TODDY: Okay, you want to know why I soloed this one? Because I didn't want to get killed like Klaus, and I didn't want to share this gift with the people who got him killed by twisting his arm to cross that pond! You're just lucky I still need you to get through this, or I'd give you a taste of what Klaus got yesterday!

JAMPA: NO FIGHTING! IN-FIGHTING ONLY LEADS TO GORILLAS WITH SWORDS!
TODDY: You're defending him? Kabloo's a bastard, Jampa! He never cared about anything but his cut of the treasure, and now that one of us has died, he's just whistling a Long Nights tune and raking in a bigger share!
JAMPA: Little snow man is Jampa's friend and elf's friend. Doesn't elf remember all those penguin lives little snow man sacrificed for him?
KABLOO: Look, Toddy -- you're a little drunk.
TODDY: Screw you, I'm VERY drunk!
KABLOO: No, I mean, you're little--you're very small--and you're an alcoholic. You're a little drunk.
TODDY: Yeah, a very drunk little drunk! Are you afraid of a very drunk little drunk, or are you gonna fight me?
JAMPA: NO FIGHTING!

Raging to attack Kabloo, Toddy breaks free of Jampa's grasp! Immediately, Jampa intercepts the elf and tries to subdue him, but as the two tussle in the snow--

KABLOO: Wait, what was that? Did you see something?
TODDY: Ha! Nice try, asshole! Never try to out-rogue a rogue!
KABLOO: Gyah, quiet! Both of you, I'm serious! Something flew overhead!
JAMPA: Jampa can't see anything but screaming elf face!
TODDY: You're damn right you can't! I may be little, but I'm INCREDIBLY CLOSE!

KABLOO: Of course you didn't see anything, you're a yeti and a lush! But as a druid, it's my job to do everything, and that includes Perception! There's something up there, so stop fighting AND PAY ATTENTION!

JAMPA: ... is little snow man angry?
KABLOO: No, I just... if you'd ever been a baby goblin, you'd understand. We're easy to carry! Do you know how many friends of mine got carried away by hawks? Dozens! Sometimes the hawks weren't even hungry, they would just take us away to save for later, because why the hell not? So when I see shadows overhead, I GET IN THE HOUSE! SO GET IN THE HOUSE!

JAMPA: Okay, Jampa is going. But birds don't scare Jampa! Except for the soulless eyes of the booby... brr. Jampa gets chills just thinking about them.
TODDY: I can't believe this shit. Ghost children, fey imposters, deadly oozes, no problem-- but bring up the prospect of goddamn birds and you two leave a trail of yellow snow back to safety. It's a little paranoid, don't you think?

Later that night...

KABLOO: Urgh, I can't believe I'm going to do this. Come on, hawks, I'm right here!... No, of course they won't appear when you want to get dragged away. Stupid sadistic birds. Maybe I should use one of those magic crackers we found today and pretend to be somebody else... tell him that Kabloo died, yeah! Bah, no, then he'd just kill me. That'd blow my cover for sure.
???: Kabloo.

KABLOO: Where have you been, Faaluk? I've been working myself drippy trying to get these 12 gifts, and you're nowhere to be seen!
FAALUK: Bingle is a harsh master. His alien ways are strange, but they teach us the secrets of a truly cold soul--
KABLOO: He's a jerk.
FAALUK: Kabloo! He's our patron! He's the spirit we've been stalking the slush to find!
KABLOO: Yes, and he's a jerk! The sooner we admit it, the better! I haven't been trudging around in the snow all these years to get bossed around by a jerk! I'm in it to see the aurora, and to make wolves scared of me, and-- and to kill people in avalanches! Avalanches, Faaluk! That's why we're slush-stalkers! And I think maybe we're better at it than Bingle is! He's not even from here!
FAALUK: Heresy! Bow before Bingle!
KABLOO: No. And you know what? I don't think I'm turning over the presents to you, either! If you're just going to give Bingle foot-rubs all day, or whatever it is you do, I'll keep the loot for me and my partners!

FAALUK: Rrrr... this isn't the time for a fight. You're still part of Bingle's plan, but I will tell him about this! Either you come to your senses, or we'll take the presents, and while we're turning Canterbury Lane into an eldritch paradise, you'll be back to rummaging through trash heaps to find carrots for your nose!

The larger snowman slides away, disappearing against the snow like sleet against a window-pane. In his wake, Kabloo gazes at the Long Night tree and weighs his options....

The Crunch: Conjurer's Crackers

It's another light crunch day, with nothing but the gift to address. Incidentally, if you're continuity-minded, you may wonder how the adventurers identified today's gift when they don't have Klaus to do it anymore (and were therefore unable to identity the magic nutcracker from yesterday). The answer is that today's gift is a package of 5 conjurer's crackers. Since they had some to spare, they tried one out to see what they do.

I know, it seems like a minor point, but we're all Internet nerds here. Where three or more are gathered, somebody cares about the continuity.

Oh, and one more thing! I want to thank Cassiodorus Patavinus on the Paizo forums, who has been offering his ideas and feedback since I started this project. He suggested using crackers as the basis of a wondrous item, and while these were already in my queue by that point, I don't want his suggestion to go uncredited.

Conjurer's Crackers
Aura moderate illusion (shadow); CL 11th
Slot --; Price 500 gp; Weight 1/10 lb.
Description
A conjurer's cracker is a rigid tube, about the size of a human palm, wrapped inside a twist of brightly colored paper. When the user pulls both ends of the cracker as a standard action, it erupts with a small bang and releases a folded paper hat (which will disappear within 1d6 rounds if no one dons it). When donned (a move action), the paper hat confers a randomly selected disguise (as per disguise self) from the table below and conjures an appropriate illusory accessory by mimicking a conjuration spell as per shadow conjuration. The disguise created by a conjurer's cracker never alters the wearer's race or sex, nor does it resemble any real person. It does, however, confer a +10 to Disguise checks to appear as the appropriate type of person, or to avoid being recognized as one's self. Though it disguises itself, the paper hat remains relatively fragile and cannot, for example, enter water or strong wind without being destroyed.
The hat's effect lasts for 10 minutes or until it is removed, at which time both the disguise and the illusory accessory vanish. Anyone interacting with the user's disguise or illusory accessory receives a DC 19 Will save to recognize the illusion, though conjured accessories are shadow-infused and can still have partial effect even if disbelieved.

1. Alchemist disguise with portable alchemist's lab as per major creation
2. Astronomer disguise with telescope as per major creation
3. Clown disguise with skyrocket firework as per major creation
4. Appearance of (non-specific) deity incarnate. User glows as though affected by glitterdust, but is not blinded.
5. Farmer disguise with 1d4+1 pigs as per summon nature's ally III
6. Hunter disguise with a shortbow and 5 blunt arrow that inflict nonlethal damage, as per major creation
7. Queen/king disguise with illusory servant (as unseen servant, but visible and appearing as well-dressed footman)
8. Knight disguise with horse (as per mount)
9. Musician disguise with lute (as per minor creation)
10. Pirate disguise with parrot (as per summon nature's ally I)
11. Soldier disguise with small wooden shield (as per minor creation)
12. Thief disguise with thieves' tools (as per major creation)

Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self, shadow conjuration; Cost 250 gp