Door #5: Return of the Post Office
After their ignominious knifing by a trap they blithely pushed over yesterday, the four adventurers have reconsidered their methods. Using their native cunning and some things that they vaguely remember hearing about squad tactics, they have formed a detailed plan for today's door. In the interest of brevity, we join their plan already in progress.
TODDY: Sorry, Klaus, I can't hear you. There's some kind of giant hairy obstruction in the stairway behind me.
JAMPA: Aww. Jampa cannot help his acoustic properties. Jampa was born this way.
KLAUS: Code names, you two! Am I the only one taking this operation seriously? You'd think that after what happened yesterday, everyone would be ready to get a little more organized.
KABLOO: My heal-stick is running pretty low. Check those stairs again, Whiskey! Your class is more expendable than mine!
TODDY: Bite me, snowman. I already double- and triple-checked. That's how we roll in the "expendable classes." Just get your asses up here. We're clear on traps, we've got Jampa ready for a fight, our buffs are up... whatever's up here, we're going to kick its ass, get the loot, get out, and never think about this quaint little deathtrap of a post office again!
TODDY: ...Oh, what is this bullshit?
KLAUS: Foxtrot, back him up!
JAMPA: Foxtrot? That is Jampa's code name! Jampa will back up little elf!
Several rounds of carefully orchestrated door-breaching later....
KABLOO: It's the gift. In an empty room.
TODDY: Listen, Kabloo. I've been all over Hyperborea, and I've never seen anything to make me believe that there's such a thing as an "empty room."
KLAUS: This definitely doesn't feel right. Every gift so far has been concealed or protected somehow.
JAMPA: Jampa fought racoons for the first present in the tavern! Jampa will tell that tale someday in Jampa Gaiden....
KABLOO: You mad man! This is an adventuring party, not a suicide pact!
KLAUS: Hmm... no reaction. This makes our jobs considerably more difficult.
TODDY: Balls. The only thing I hate more than a trap I can't disable is a trap I can't find. And my father. But that's a whole other story.
JAMPA: Oooh, Little Elf Daddy Gaiden.
KLAUS: I've got some divinations that I can cast, but they're touch-range, and this thing could be surrounded by pressure plates. Foxtrot, grab the rope, I've got an idea.
10 Minutes Later...
TODDY: How the hell do you see what you're doing with your beard hanging down over your eyes like that?
KLAUS: Well, I'm hardly the first wizard to find himself upside down! Wizards train to cast all their low-level spells through up to 3 inches of flowing, upended beard for just such an eventuality.
JAMPA: What about wizards with bigger beards?
KLAUS: A wizard with a beard that big doesn't need low-level spells. A wizard with a beard that big, my friend, has arrived.
KABLOO: Well, what's your fancy-pants wizard magic telling you now, Klaus?
KLAUS: Nothing much, I'm afraid. It's magical, just as we'd expect one of the gifts to be. I don't sense any traps, illusions, et cetera. Any other ideas?
10 Minutes Later...
TODDY: There's an old elf legend that if you walk within 5 feet of a secret door you'll suddenly notice it, so you should always walk the perimeter of suspicious rooms.
KLAUS: That's an old wives' tale, Toddy. Now, some believe it originates--
TODDY: You're a RACIST, Klaus! Don't disrespect my goddamn people!
JAMPA: Jampa is aiding another! Walk, little elf, walk! Jampa believes in you!
KLAUS: Actually, Jampa, you might be more useful searching on your own....
10 Minutes Later...
JAMPA: Jampa smells everything! Jampa is like unto a god!
TODDY: So what are we missing? Invisible monsters? Poison spores? Some crazy flesh golem waiting to pop out of the box like a stripper out of a cake?
JAMPA: Jampa is pretty sure there's no golem in the box. Unless it's an unsmellable golem!
KLAUS: It figures that they'd be immune to scent along with everything else. Stupid golems.
KABLOO: Preach it, human.
10 Minutes Later...
JAMPA: Shhh, Jampa is gathering information. Jampa found an NPC named Mr. Bearstein in the stocking! So, Mr. Bearstein, tell Jampa the stories and legends of the post office.
KABLOO: ... That's just a stupid stuffed bear.
JAMPA: Raahg! Little snowman gives Diplomacy penalty to Jampa! Jampa negotiating uphill already! Calm down, Mr. Bearstein. How would Mr. Bearstein feel about some chocolate coins for Mr. Bearstein's trouble?
KABLOO: This is useless! Time for somebody with a spell list to crack this problem, as usual.
10 Minutes Later...
KLAUS: Kabloo? Give us a progress report. You've been "communing with nature" for quite a while, now.
TODDY: And, I know you're a druid, but you do realize that we're indoors, right? You know, "indoors?" That place where you suck?
TODDY: And then tell you what's in the room, right?
KABLOO: Yes, whatever. Leave me, stupids, I'm playing the long game!
10 Minutes Later...
KLAUS: Are we sure this is quite necessary? Surely, if we just do a bit more investigation, we can solve the puzzle of this infernal--
TODDY: No! The one-hour time limit for coming up with a clever solution is up. Whatever brutal trap is on this room, we're obviously too dumb to find it by searching, so now we're gonna tear up the floor and brute force this bitch!
JAMPA: Jampa sees a light! Did the trap kill Jampa? Nooo! Jampa have so much life to live, so much love to give!
TODDY: You're not dead, Jampa you just found the trap--
CRASH!
KLAUS: --or possibly the first floor.
JAMPA: Is that Grampa? Send Jampa back to life, Grampa! These signs remind Jampa, Jampa forgot to send holiday cards! Grandma will kill us both, Grampa!
KLAUS: No, Jampa, it's Klaus! And you're not dead, you've just taken a nasty fall through the floor. Wait... that gives me an idea about how to extricate the gift! We'll be right down. Just lie there and try not to move.
JAMPA: No problem! Jampa can't feel Jampa's legs anyway!
A Final 10 Minutes Later...
KABLOO: Fine, I'll go with you. Stupid termites are putting me on trial for war crimes anyway. Can you believe that? ME! I AM termite law!
Moments later...
KLAUS: Ready? Pull!
CLONK!
KLAUS: Now, isn't everyone glad that we showed some caution and patience tonight? Just imagine, if we had run in unwarily, we could have been pulled into a long encounter--
KABLOO: Longer than an hour?
KLAUS: --uh, and we would have used up a lot of... spells... oh, and our tank probably would have been badly hurt! Wait...
JAMPA: Jampa wants to go back to recklessness.
KLAUS: You're off the team, Foxtrot!
The Crunch: The Cauldron of Everlasting Rations and the Five-Ringed Tankard
It's another light day for new content, which I guess is fitting, since it will give today's entry that sinking, anti-climactic feeling that comes from searching an empty room for an hour only to find it... empty. There are two gifts in the box today, both of which come from contributers on the Paizo forums.
The Gifts
Aura faint conjuration; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 4,500 gp
Description
This cauldron, typically decorated with engravings of shrubbery and plant parasites, can be used to create Everlasting Rations - a dense cake-like substance with various dried fruits and nuts, which can last up to six months before rotting.
Because of the density of the cake, however, and the amalgam of ingredients, the cake is often so dense it is brick-like, and the taste is overwhelming and often difficult to eat.
Any creature using this cauldron can create enough rations for 6 small to medium creatures a day. If the user of the cauldron has 5 or more ranks of Profession (cook), then the rations have a somewhat palatable taste.
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, create food and water; Cost 2,250 gp
Garrett Guillotte on the Paizo forums)
Aura faint conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot hand; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 4 lb.
Description
A pewter mug, its rim ringed with gold, emanates a faint scent of nutmeg even when empty. Four golden finger-sized rings replace the tankard's grip.
Once per hour, when the mug is held with a finger in each of the four rings, the fifth ring--the cup itself--fills with a milky eggnog. The eggnog is as refreshing as water and also grants a +1 bonus to all saves against cold effects or damage for 10 minutes.
Pouring any alcoholic spirit into the eggnog before drinking it increases the bonus to +4 but does not nullify any intoxicating effects of the spirit.
If not consumed, the eggnog expires after 30 minutes and vanishes from the cup.
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, create food and water; Cost 1,500 gp
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