Day #11: Boiler Room
It is 6:00 pm, theoretically Jampa's turn at watch and time for our two smallest protagonists to rest up for a night's adventuring. However, worrying thumps from the roof have disrupted their rest, and now result in the emergence of a surly snowman and a haggard Hyperborean elf from the lake house's upstairs window...
TODDY: What the HELL is going on out on this roof? Is it a knife-fight? Must be a goddamn EPIC, because I've HAD knife-fights on rooftops, and they weren't as GODDAMN loud as whatever the HELL you two are doing!
KLAUS: Pardon the noise, Toddy. I just finished identifying the treasure from that owl you killed, so I came up here to check on Jampa. He spotted the glow of today's present at the boiler room attached to the tower! I'm afraid we got a little excited.
KABLOO: Wait, what? I heard "treasure" and I stopped caring about everything else you had to say.
KLAUS: Yes, of course, we're all adventurers. First things first. The owl had a magic rifle, a pouch of jingle bells, the body of a little defunct golem, and some kind of horrible woolen garment. Just trifles, really. Speaking of treasure, though, I've got a question for you all. Do you want to keep on these next two days, or would you like to take your cut of the loot and go home?
TODDY: Hold on, I thought this was a quest now. Don't we have to get all the gifts for some kind of bullshit wizard reason?
KLAUS: I officially pronounce you all free from "wizard reasons." The gifts are part of a magical effect that can replace me if I'm gone, but I'm not gone -- not any more -- so they're not plot devices as far as you're concerned, just loot.
TODDY: But what about the... the monsters in the tower?
KABLOO: Oh, you mean the SPACE MONSTERS?
KLAUS: They're snow creatures from the winter stars... dangerous, certainly, but they're my problem. You're welcome to come along, but only if you want the last couple of gifts.
JAMPA: Jampa wants ALL the presents! Jampa is a completionist.
TODDY: I'll go, too. Why not? Nothing's changed since we met in that bar and decided to loot this place, except that we found out we're good guys. And, hell, that's not all bad. It'll probably help me get paroled someday.
KABLOO: Er, maybe we should just quit while we're ahead. We're already making out like bandits...
TODDY: Aw, poor little goblin! Two days away from infinite power and he's getting performance anxiety!
JAMPA: Maybe little snow man has... COLD FEET? HA HA HA!
KABLOO: Bah, fine! I'll go!... just think of the puns, Kabloo... there's nothing you can do to them that they don't deserve....
Fueled by those twin friends of the adventurer, greed for treasure and disregard for the lives of others, our adventurers trek toward the glow of the distant boiler room...
KLAUS: It's difficult to see this place in such disrepair. I remember when the elves first had the idea to build a tower in my image--
KABLOO: Oh, you mean Mt. Brag-more over there? Thanks, I almost missed your giant head glowering at me all week. It's a good thing you keep bringing it up, or I might forget that people used to like you.
KLAUS: Despite what you may have heard, Kabloo, my jolliness does have limits.
KLAUS: Now, it's vital that we clear the area before we enter the boiler room. The last time that I was here, just before the googli stole my memory, the space monsters had taken the tower, and as creatures of snow, they were able to turn the very landscape against me.
TODDY: Hmm, I don't trust this snow-man. You try to play with it or push in its nose or something, Klaus. If it starts to sing or dance, I'll kill it.
JAMPA: Don't worry, funny hat man, Detective Jampa is on the case! Hmm... door looks very small... Jampa thinks little house might be a mimic! Oooh, little mimic house is busted!
KABLOO: The door's just elf-sized, you oaf.
JAMPA: Gasp! Elf-eating mimic! Cruelest of all tiny houses! House swims beneath the snow, unseen by all, until some hapless elf sees lone, terrifying chimney break the surface.... run, little elf!
In an irony that will never pierce his invincible yeti skull, Jampa's prattling draws a true predator of the snow to the surface mere yards away!
FAALUK: So, they've arrived, but with a slight change of roster. Bingle, in his wisdom, foresaw this; adventuring parties may not be able to forage for their food or shelter, but if they get their wizards killed, they always find another around the next corner. I'd love to test his magical might against mine... but the surest remedy to an enemy wizard is a big fat monster sitting on his chest! SUMMON NATURE'S ALLY!
In a spine-tingling burst of alien magic, Klaus takes 2d4 San damage directly to the knees!
KABLOO: Is that-- FAALUK! You-- you-- GYAH! I had to cast penguins on everything that looked at me funny for WEEKS before I got a pin-guin! I bet this is your first try, isn't it? Bingle always did like you better, you disgusting toady!
KABLOO: MARCH of Penguins!
FAALUK: Whatever. I've grown more powerful than you, Kabloo! Perhaps these gifts that you've acquired for Bingle will convince him to show the same favor to you.
TODDY: I get it now! You're not just some independent asshole adventurer like the rest of us; you're in a whole LEAGUE of assholes, and they've all been setting us up! Well, fuck your tower and fuck you! I'm going to make a pile of fat penguin corpses three stories high, then climb it and kick your space monster in the DICK!
JAMPA: Rah! Jampa feels the same, but without the bad words! Jampa will go chase least cute foe! Jampa doesn't know many cute penguins he can stand to kill, but less than three stories, for sure.
FAALUK: You shouldn't have left your friends, yeti. Without them, your pitiful martial prowess is no match for a druid.
JAMPA: Jampa is sick of druids! Always bragging about spells, always bragging about wild shape! Always trying to TAME Jampa! Sure, Jampa will eat jerky from your hand; Jampa is not too proud for jerky. But jerky is not a contract, druids! Jampa does not want to be your companion!
FAALUK: Enough!
With a flick of his enchanted broom, Faaluk fires a spray of glistening flocking at the large pine tree to his right. Within moments, the tree begins to stir!
JAMPA: Wah! Jampa's trusting nature left him open to tree sneak attack! All this time, while Jampa was afraid of tiny house, big tree was the real killer! Detective Jampa is going to catch hell from the chief about this!
KABLOO: Ah, nice work. You've got the dumb yeti fighting a tree too hard to hurt, the caster pinned under a dollop of CMB, and that stupid little thief fighting alone against a grapple monster. You had this encounter figured out.
FAALUK: And I knew that you would turn on them in the end, as well. I'm glad to see that you've returned to the true path, Kabloo. Bingle is going to need all of us after he's used the gifts to seize control of Canterbury Lane. We who are wise enough to bow to Bingle's drippy majesty will have to guide the other goblins by force, bring them here to rebuild, serve, and conquer more land for Bingle's invading forces! A Principality of Winter will be yours for this simple betrayal.
KABLOO: Hee hee, I doubt it. COMMAND PLANTS!
FAALUK: What-- STOP! I'm a druid! I'm on your side, you stupid tree! Pin-guin, assist me! Grrr, KABLOO! You'll pay for this when Bingle is through with you! You'll never make it into that tower alive!
KABLOO: Hee hee hee, exit stage left, pursued by pinus pinus! Make your enemies run fast and your friends run faster, that's the goblin way!
KLAUS: Well, that didn't go so well, but it could have been a lot worse, and we've got Kabloo to thank for that.
TODDY: WHAT?! Some little psychopath lies to us, steals from us, hands us over to get beaten up by his crazy friend, and we're supposed to smile and make nice? The last time I let somebody treat me like that, she ended up giving me elven crabs! They DANCE, Klaus! They do a little jig!
JAMPA: Jampa found gift box in boiler room, but it's empty! Box is big inside, like bag of holding; it looks broom-shaped to Jampa, like magic broom bad snow man had. But Jampa leaves the evidence to you. Detective Jampa is off the force.
KABLOO: But why do we have to fight tomorrow? Why don't we just take what we've got and run it out of bounds? Sell it overseas or bury it in the woods, like an unwanted sibling!
KLAUS: Because Bingle is already growing in power. He'll succeed next year if we don't stop him this year. For both sides, it has to be tomorrow, because ---
TODDY: Wizard reasons.Got it.
The Crunch: The Blustery Besom, The Cocoa Golem, The Horrid Woolen Wrap, Jingle Bells, and The Rifle of the Scarlet Rider
As I write, the Paizo site is down, leaving me without access to some information that I need for today's crunch. In an effort to get this entry up in something like a timely fashion (you know, for all of my readers who are up at 2:30 AM on Christmas to read my Christmas Eve blog entry), I'm posting what I've got. I'll add stats for Jingle Bells, Horrid Woolen Wrap and Cocoa Golem when they're available to me.
New Magic Weapon
The Rifle of the Scarlet Rider
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 13,800 gp; Weight 6 lbs.
Description
This unique and storied +1 rifle, which is noticeably sleeker and lighter than standard weapons of its type, operates on different principles from a normal rife, giving it several benefits and drawbacks. First, it has a base damage of only 1 (plus its +1 enhancement bonus), but has a critical range of 18-20/x3. Second, the weapon uses pellet ammunition, but can hold up to 100 pellets and fires only one at a time. It needn't be reloaded until completely empty. Finally, when the Rifle of the Scarlet Rider misfires it does not gain the broken condition. Instead, the wielder strikes herself, inflicting damage as per a critical hit.
Using special instruments in the stock, the wielder may also tell time to within a minute and find north as with a compass.
Except as noted above, the Rifle of the Scarlet Rider has all the properties of a typical rifle.
Construction Requirements
Craft Magic Arms and Armor, keen edge, Creator must have 4 ranks in Craft (clockwork); Cost 6,900 gp
The Gift
Blustery Besom
Aura strong transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 20,100 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
Even in the warmest weather, bits of brilliant flocking fleck this hazel wood broom's straw head. As a standard action, the user can point the broom at a non-magical, inanimate tree or other plant within 90 feet to spray it with a blast of enchanted flocking. The target tree becomes animate as per awaken and gains the cold subtype. The tree remains animate for 10 minutes, during which time whoever holds the broom may hold it forth as a move action and command the tree in any language. The tree obeys whoever holds the broom, regardless of whether the current user summoned it or not.
The target tree or plant may be of any size between Tiny and Huge. Each use of the blustery besom expends one charge, plus an additional two charges for every size category by which the target plant exceeds Tiny. A newly-constructed blustery besom has 25 charges.
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, awaken, ice body; Cost 10,050 gp
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