12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #8

Door #8: The Post Office

 After narrowly escaping the Golem of Christmas Future, our heroes emerge from Nicholas' time-traveling archway into an earlier, snowier Canterbury Lane than the post-apocalyptic ruin they've left behind. Dismounting their new-found magic sleds, they survey the scene....

JAMPA: Snow! Finally! Jampa was starting to feel weird, being different-colored from the ground.

KABLOO: That makes two of us. I consider "Invisible to Birds of Prey" to be an undocumented class feature.

TODDY: There's your tower, Nick–looks like we made it home.

NICHOLAS: Er, not quite. Just a moment, let me dismiss this archway. Actually, we're in the past, 25 years before present. It's the only way to fight the golems. We can't succeed in the present with a golem back here in the past preparing for our actions before we take them. Practical Temporal Mechanics 101: When facing time travelers, do your recon in the future and your fighting in the past.
KABLOO: Hee hee! You owe me 100 gp, Toddy!
NICK: What? You mean–

TODDY: We took bets on whether you'd screw us and strand us away from home again? Sure did, and look who won. When you're living up to goblin expectations, you done fucked up, Nick.
NICK: We'll talk about this later, after we've bound the golems. Until then, I'm afraid it's all need-to-know. Toddy, will you park the sleighs, please?
TODDY: Aye-aye, Commandant Klaus.

 Meanwhile, lured by a light in the post office window revealing that a Long Nights gift lies inside, Jampa departs the frozen lake.

JAMPA: Phew, nobody noticed Jampa slip away! Jampa is no coward, but Jampa is wise to icy lake's tricky tricks! Fool Jampa once, shame on lake; fool Jampa four times, quadruple shame!

 Wooden reindeer, out of fucking nowhere!

JAMPA: OOF! (gasp) Reindeer! Jampa can never trust again!

TODDY: Goddamnit, Jampa, if you'd keep within ten elf paces of the rest of us, this wouldn't keep happening. You're a meat shield, not a goddamn meat missile!
KABLOO: Hee hee, "meat missile."
NICK: Oh... oh my. I've been wondering where this creature went. Seems it doesn't recognize me....

TODDY: You know this thing? Any advice before I jump on?
NICHOLAS: Er, yes! It's a taigalek. Only fire will kill it, but your axe will distract it, and Jampa appears to need the help.
JAMPA: Yes, little elf! Jampa is in a world of hoofs!

 As Toddy approaches, the taigalek's antlers catch him in the midsection and flip him high into the air, over the taigalek's rough-carved head...

 ...but, with the agility and tenacity of a circus pitbull, Toddy flips and lands atop the wooden creature, then lays into it with mighty, splitting axe-blows!

TODDY: All right, tag out, Jampa. Hey, casters! Do you have some fire on the way, or should I start rubbing this bastard's antlers together?

KABLOO: Oh, I've got fire, but it's a slow burn, for maximum entertainment value. Nicholas, I suppose you've got some boring battlefield control spell prepared?
NICHOLAS: I've got a wall of stone ready, in case we need a bridge or a road–
KABLOO: Why don't we use it as a wall, old man? You know, like adventurers, not murderous civil engineers.
NICHOLAS: Very well. Clear the taigalek, Toddy!

NICHOLAS: There we are. Wall of stone! Sorry, old friend.

 Upon Nicholas' command, a circular wall of stone appears, trapping the taigalek!

KABLOO: Gya ha, prepare your marshmallows, gentlemen!
NICHOLAS: Very funny.
KABLOO: What do you mean? Roasting marshmallows over a burning enemy is a goblin tradition! You've never heard of a memento s'more-i? Wall of fire!

 Already, the taigalek's axe marks have nearly disappeared, but its wooden frame cannot heal, nor can its faltering legs escape, the wall of violet flame summoned within its stone confines! The taigalek rears back and gives up its animating spirit to the forest as its enchanted wreath withers and burns!

KABLOO: Aaah, that was a delight! I prefer ice and lightning for efficiency, of course, but with fire you get that nice crackle. Maybe the holidays are just making me sentimental.
NICHOLAS: The taigalek's a noble creature that deserves a much better tribute than a marshmallow feast... but it doesn't feel pain, and its spirit has gone back to the woods now. I created that one myself, you know, to guard me should an enemy take me by surprise. I lost it during my bout of amnesia. Now I know how... and I know who's beaten us to the gift in the post office. Brace yourselves, everyone.

The post office's front door creaks open, and a familiar figure emerges!

KLAUS: Greetings! My name's Klaus, and I'm– Oh. Time travel, or clone?

NICHOLAS: Time travel, I'm afraid. Shall I start drawing you a diagram of the story so far?

KLAUS: Yes, of course. Come on in. I'll start the tea.