12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #4

Door #4: The Lakehouse... of Tomorrow!

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only Christmas. Christmas and mossy brown grass. Christmas, mossy brown grass, and... a magical arch that suddenly appears in the midst of the long-abandoned lane?!

Moments after the archway appears, our four adventurers emerge from the arch and gaze in bemusement at their ruined surroundings!

JAMPA: Whaaa?! Jampa sees... Jampa sees grass! No snow, just bare grass! Jampa must be tripping balls on magic arch right now!

KABLOO: Nah, this is all real. I've seen a lot of destroyed towns covered in kudzu–mainly towns I've destroyed with kudzu–and this checks out. If Knowledge: Nature serves, we must be 20, 25 years in the future?

NICHOLAS: Exactly 25. The arch always leads 25 years forward or back. That does mean that the clock is always running back in Canterbury Lane, incidentally, so everyone can forget about getting rich with your little banking tricks or what have you.

TODDY: What about the trick where we rob a bank and run back to present, where future cops can't get us?

 

A high-pitched scream interrupts Toddy in mid-larcenous-impulse!

NICHOLAS: What was that? Is something wrong?

TODDY: I see it! Looks like... a polar bear? A little polar bear cub? Eating a... gingerbread man? And the gingerbread man is screaming? So, yeah, everything is wrong. Give me a minute, I'll kill one of these variables with my axe. Maybe that'll clear things up.

 Heedless of all danger and logic, armed only with his trusty axe and a gut feeling that he should side with the biped in this weird struggle, Toddy charges into the fray. The bear doubles in size as Toddy charges, though, and roars at his elven attacker!

TODDY: Shit shit shit! Grow bear! Grow bear!

NICHOLAS: Step away, Toddy, and I'll incapacitate the poor creature with magic.

But, no sooner has Nicholas begun pointing his staff at the bear and making wizard motions than the bear breaks from Toddy and pounces on Nicholas, knocking the old wizard to the ground and breaking his magic staff!

NICHOLAS: Oof! Kabloo, I need healing!
KABLOO: Okay, uh, Cure... Moderate... gya, I lost the spell! I can't work like this! Get in here and protect the casters, meatbags!
TODDY: Keep your mittens on, asshole, I'm moving as fast as I can! You're a druid, hit him with bear repellent or something!
KABLOO: You are my bear repellent!

JAMPA: Get back, snowman, Jampa is here to kill... bear... cute... fuzzy... bear....
KABLOO: Do your job, you great wad of simpering cotton! What are we paying you for if not to kill hapless monsters that aren't worth spell resources?
JAMPA: Shoo, bear! Jampa doesn't want to hurt cute bears! That's why Jampa turned down coveted bear-wrestling scholarships and settled for yeti community college. Yeti community college did not prepare Jampa for professional career, bear! Jampa didn't even learn personal pronouns!

Unwilling to strike the innocent bear, Jampa is soon knocked back by the force of its attack. A mere moment later, though, Toddy's massive axe chops squarely into the enlarged cub's back, slaying it instantly and saving Nicholas from an adorable mauling.

JAMPA: Wow, little elf is stone cold. Nothing in little elf's eyes but a thousand-yard stare, and that is super far in little tiny elf yards.

TODDY: Cute doesn't work on me. Growing up in Tipsytown, everything I hated was cute, even the bullies at school. When they would kick my ass, they looked like a goddamn Precious Moments display, the adorable bastards. When I get to sink my axe into something plush and dewy-eyed, it's a good goddamn day.
NICHOLAS: My staff... I can't believe it!

 With a rustle of dry grass, two precious animate gingerbread men amble around the magic arch toward our heroes.

GINGERBREAD MAN #1: Three cheers for the hero! He has avenged our King and slain the beast! 

NICHOLAS: I think they're talking to you, Toddy!

TODDY: Look, I wasn't trying to save any king! I just saw somebody getting eaten by a bear and figured, "hey, here's a chance for some bear meat I can feel good about."

GINGERBREAD MAN #1: He's so humble! Come, hero, stay with us and let us show our thanks! We will dance and sing our squeaky songs of gratitude for you!

GINGERBREAD MAN #2: You can kiss our gingerbabies and feast on our tiny, whimsical delicacies!

NICHOLAS: We will need somewhere to stay, and these abandoned buildings may not be secure. Say, have you gingerfolk collected today's Long Nights gift, by any chance?

Yet another identical gingerbread man emerges from the side door of the lake house, holding the evening's magical gift in his stubby little arms!

GINGERBREAD MAN #3: Here it is! We were just looking for it when that bear attacked. Would you like it?

ALL OF OUR HEROES FOR DIFFERENT REASONS: YES!

GINGERBREAD MAN #3: So you'll stay and attend a Grand Gingerbration in your honor, Mr. Toddy?

TODDY: (sigh) Urgh, fine. Assuming those are cutesy words  for "big party." If it's something we all do in a circle and then feel weird about later, I'm out.

The Crunch: The Cord of Angelic Ascent (and nothing else)

Today's crunch covers only the Long Nights gift the gingerbread man is carrying. The next entry will contain info on the gingerbread men. As that entry will make clear, that's all there is to cover this week: there's no such thing as a Grow Bear.

NEW WONDROUS ITEM

Cord of Angelic Ascent
Aura faint illusion; CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 6,100 gp; Weight 12 lbs.
Description
Strong, silky strands compose this invisible, 120 ft. length of cord, which terminates at one end with an invisible metal hoop one foot in diameter. By uttering a command word engraved inside the hoop, a user can command the cord to slowly coil at the hoop end with enough force to lift up to 500 lbs. attached to the far end. Another word engraved outside the hoop commands the cord to slowly uncoil, gently lowering any load tied to the far end. Any creature or object raised or lowered by the cord glows with a warm white light while in transit.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, animate rope, invisibility, light; Cost 3,050 gp