12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #11

 Door #11: The Tavern

JAMPA: Jampa got the present! Open the time hole, beard man! If Jampa gets home now, and runs until he drops dead, he can get to Grandma's just in time for pudding!

12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #10

 Door #10: Post Office, Top Floor

For 24 hours, our heroes have not rested. Jampa has collected the day's magical gift from the top floor of the post office, priming the space for the magic to come. Kabloo, Nicholas and Klaus (Nicholas' amnesiac past self) have intensively prepared the complex ritual of angelic convocation. Toddy has complained of boredom, ransacked nearby buildings for abandoned wine, and taken several naps. Now, finally, the party has assembled to perform the final lines of their ritual on the top floor of the post office....

NICHOLAS: "I call and compel thee, guardians of the faithful! I call and compel thee to witness our petition! By the three radiant faces of eternal benevolence, I call thee!"

TODDY:...well? Should I be getting a warm tingle or something? Because I don't feel shit. Is this some kind of alignment thing?

JAMPA: No, Jampa doesn't see angels, and Jampa is definitely good. Jampa never purposely said a bad word or drank wood alcohol in his life.

KLAUS: According to the ritual, we may have to wait a few seconds for the angels to respond....

NICHOLAS: Well, that ritual is written with pious casters in mind. Even for such a potent spell, finding angels minor enough to take a meeting with us may take a bit longer.

12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #9

 Door #9: The Post Office (Side Entrance)

The afternoon of the ninth Long Night finds three of our four heroes at the side entrance of the post office, where the day's Long Nights gift appeared. Gleefully, Jampa shakes the magic gift and listens intently.

JAMPA: Hmm. Light, round... and does Jampa detect a hint of bells? Jampa's money is on tambourines.

KABLOO: Jampa's money is 25 years in the future in a ceramic penguin bank. That's why I took away Jampa's gambling privileges, remember?

JAMPA: But Jampa has no pockets!

KABLOO: Precisely. Go out into the world pantsless, like a savage, and you pay the price.

TODDY: All right, phase two: Everybody over to the window! And put down that damn present! The paranoid bastards probably have their wizard vision on, and they might see it glowing through the wall.

12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #8

Door #8: The Post Office

 After narrowly escaping the Golem of Christmas Future, our heroes emerge from Nicholas' time-traveling archway into an earlier, snowier Canterbury Lane than the post-apocalyptic ruin they've left behind. Dismounting their new-found magic sleds, they survey the scene....

12 Doors of Christmas, year #2: Door #7

 Day #7: The School

We join our heroes in the abandoned schoolhouse of Canterbury Lane's ravaged future, discussing Jampa's questionable decision to tear into the day's spoils,a large silver box, before consulting the rest of the party:

JAMPA: ...so that's when Jampa tore open big silver box and tiny sleighs fell out. Now, Jampa grants you, sleighs did NOT turn out to be kidnapped princesses, but Jampa couldn't know that until opening shiny box. Beard man can see Jampa's dilemma.

NICHOLAS: As a rule, let's assume the world's princesses are safe at home until we hear otherwise, all right, Jampa? No harm done here, though, as we're going to need all these gifts. This may come as something of a shock, but... well, we need these gifts to power the arch and escape from the future.

KABLOO: WHAT?! You mean if one of our Long Nights gifts had been lost by a half-wit gingerbread man, or accidentally eaten by the yeti, we could have been stuck here forever?! You could have told us that before dragging us out here Beyond Gingerdome to fight your battles!

NICHOLAS: No, I really couldn't have told you! The golem who's here, the Golem of Christmas Future, can predict his victims' futures based on their own knowledge and intentions. Like any powerful wizard, I have so many secrets that I keep my mind shielded as a matter of course–
TODDY: Secrets? No shit!
NICHOLAS:–but if I'd told you we needed the gifts, the golem could have gleaned it from you and tried to stop us. Now, no time for explanation. It's time to depart.
TODDY: No! No more of this more-wizardy-than-thou bullshit! I'm not some familiar you can drag with you into the goddamn apocalypse and then ignore until you need a hallway scouted! I'm not taking a step out of this dump until you tell us what's goin' on!
NICHOLAS: Toddy, I apologize, but please understand: Now that I've told you about the gifts, the golem knows. He'll be on his way to stop–

 A wrenching impact upon the sagging schoolhouse roof rocks the room, toppling our heroes and their gifts!

NICHOLAS: It's him! I told you, he's here!

JAMPA: Hurray, monster time! Time for Jampa's buddies to go back to buddy mode!
KABLOO: Gya, the yeti is both stupid and right, as usual. Toddy, Jampa, you flank it just outside the door. We'll hang back–
NICHOLAS: No! Stop, all of you! We can't defeat this creature–not without casualties. It chooses a target, then takes that target into the future to see its fate.
TODDY: So? No surprises here. I'm sauced 90% of the time and killing someone with an axe 50% of the time. By my math, there's a 140% chance I die in a drunken axe mishap. I see my fate every morning when I look down into my shot glass.

NICHOLAS:He doesn't merely show you your death. He shows you your fate, the consequences of your actions and habits. If anything he shows you entails harm to others, or makes you remorseful, then he shows you your grave site, and you die on the spot. Now, who in this room has done something morally questionable that might hurt someone? Who here has done something they regret?

For a long moment, silence prevails. And then:

JAMPA: Jampa doesn't understand the question.
NICHOLAS: No... no, of course you don't! I have an idea! I've been experimenting with aura spells....

 Minutes of frenzied off-screen preparation later, Jampa emerges alone from the school to confront the dread white golem awaiting him outside!

GOLEM OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: You must be brave to face me alone, yeti.

JAMPA: Yes! Wait, no! Jampa... Jampa is helping snowman and elf for money. Jampa isn't very brave, and he never goes home to see his grandma. Jampa is a really bad guy (hee hee hee).

GOLEM: You laugh?! Your aura reveals your true nature, Jampa, and it shows that while you may revel in your avarice and wickedness now, your future will be bitter. Come with me, and I will show you.
JAMPA: No, Jampa doesn't want to leave Jampa's precious coins! (hee hee) Jampa likes to put them in a pile and jump off his bed into them! (hee hee)

 Heedless of Jampa's telltale giggles, the grim golem leads Jampa into a hazy horizon, where a vision of the future overtakes them both, and the snow resolves into a warmer scene in the still-further future....

GOLEM: Behold, a Long Nights celebration five decades hence! There you stand with your grandchildren, their coats still plush with baby fluff. It seems they've given you a gift.

JAMPA: Presents and fluffy babies! Nightmare Christmas is Jampa's best Christmas ever!

GOLEM: SO YOU BELIEVE, but soon you shall see your terrible fate....

JAMPA: A floppy old man hat! Jampa has wanted an old man hat since Jampa was a little boy! When Jampa is a daddy, Jampa will remember this moment to keep him strong until the presents kick in.
GOLEM: AT ANY MOMENT, your well-deserved doom must strike! WOE unto–

Without warning, Jampa's grandchildren leap onto him! And wrestle with him adorably! Future Jampa laughs and begins tickling them!

JAMPA: Spirit, Jampa begs you: Let Jampa get in there and wrestle. Jampa can not even wait to hug those babies.
GOLEM: Does... does it just go on like this? Something has gone wrong here. Vision over.

GOLEM: How can this be? Your aura is full of selfishness, malice and shame.
JAMPA: Ha ha, nope! Golem is seeing little elf's aura! Little elf's life is a mess, but Jampa has good morals and healthy relationships... GOLEM'S ONLY WEAKNESSES! HA HA HA!
GOLEM: A trick?! Where are the others? The elf, with his terrible future and deep shame?

TODDY: Right over here, asshole, but not for long! Say goodbye to all this delicious emotional trauma, 'cause I'm taking it back to the present where I can keep it harmlessly pickled in vodka!

 Their diversion successful, our heroes speed one-by-one through the arch on their magic sleighs! As Nicholas passes through, the last in line, the invisible cord attaching Jampa to Nicholas' sleigh goes taught, snatching the yeti out of the golem's reach and pulling him through the arch!

GOLEM: I... did not see that coming.

12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #6

Door #6: The Hotel

Long Nights gift in hand, Kabloo and Toddy leave the ruins of the charred hotel. Skipping their uneventful journey though the blackened interior to retrieve the gift, we join their mid-Long Nights bitching already in progress:

KABLOO: Gya, I want my Long Nights back! I should be back in Gobstop blowing my half of our fat penguin-snuffing paycheck on cockfights and pixie dust. If I wanted to spend the holidays looting a burned-out shambles, I would've joined the Gobstop FD.
TODDY: Yeah, I don't know what this is about. I don't even know why Nick wants these presents; doesn't seem like the golems are after 'em. He must have some kind of plan, though.
KABLOO: You and the yeti keep going on about this big plan Nicholas must have! But where was he the other day during that insufferable Idiot Festival the gingerbread men held for us? Where is he now? How, exactly, are we supposed to be fighting these golems from 25 years after they attacked?
TODDY: Look, I don't have a goddamn clue what this is about, but we trusted you last year, and I say it's Nick's turn, even if it seems like he's off his infallible wizard game.
KABLOO: Precisely! You trusted me last year, and I would have killed you all if I hadn't decided that I hated my boss more than I hated you! I hope Nicholas is just confused or stupid, because if he is keeping some kind of secret plan from us, it can't be anything good.

12 Doors of Christmas, year 2: Door #5

Door #5: The Gingerbread House

Snow falls, dark and distant, as the first blue tinge of a coming dawn steals over Canterbury Lane. Exhausted from a day and a night of furious gingerbration, our heroes slumber outside the gingerbread house where their hosts, a band of animate gingerbread men, reside.

JAMPA: Psst. House. House, listen. Not eating gingerbread house is the second hardest thing Jampa has ever done. Jampa's first hardest thing is not eating gingerbread people. Jampa needs to find some cookies without feelings to eat before Jampa starts eating townsfolk, house. Jampa doesn't want to fulfill negative yeti stereotypes.